Learning Self Love

Wanting to be liked is a feeling that everyone has at some point. You want to have friends, you want to be supported, you want to be popular, but sometimes you want it so badly that you change yourself for it. Is it for the better or worse, that’s something for you to decide. Sometimes it gets so bad to the point you don’t know who you are anymore, what you like, what’s your style, what even is your personality?

During my first year of high school, I thought it was pretty much the same as middle school, but now I realize that it is quite different. Sure, the assignments are similar and sure most of the myths about it are pretty wrong, yet the feelings you have are much stronger. 

When I was in middle school, I was with a group of friends where I felt like I could be myself. Now that I think about it I did change myself a little to match them more, but for most of the part, it was the happiest I’ve ever been. When I came to high school, all of these new people came and I was happy I was friends with more people, but the pressure eventually got to me. I wanted them to like me.

I remember every time they said they liked something about me, usually the style of the clothes I wore, I would keep doing it because I wanted them to like me. At the beginning I dressed pretty feminine, but then my friends made a joke. One day I was wearing something more masculine and I earned a pretty sick nickname. Everyone loved the joke so I kept it going. My style of clothing eventually became more and more masculine. Although I do love how it makes me feel, I do sometimes wish to wear more feminine clothing. Though, I never do now because it’s now expected of me to wear more masculine clothing. 

Another thing is, changing my personality and feeling kind of uncomfortable about it. I feel like a lot of people have this problem. Trying to fit in so much that you end up wearing a mask that you, yourself, don’t even know how to take off. It’s just becomes habit at some point, and sometimes you wish it wasn’t. I feel like it’s a long life journey to learn how to take off and break that mask you created. I also feel like that once that mask is on, it will never fully break. Everyone is human after all, everyone has that feeling of wanting to belong. 

I feel like one of the biggest struggles I had was with those little comments  that definitely did not have any ill intentions but still hurt. I have had this huge secret that I slowly started telling my friends. I’m trans and have been questioning it since middle school. At first I was really excited about the news, I felt like I finally knew who I was, but then it just went downhill after that. The first person I told called it a phase, just me being influenced by my friends. That really hit me hard, and I still think about it. There were times where I wished I could just be normal. High School eventually came and I started to tell some friends about how I felt. I still never feel supported. Out of all my friends, I feel like there is just one that really tries their best to tell me that they get me, unfortunately  they’re not even on our side of the campus. 

In 2024, I wish to find myself and be more comfortable expressing myself. I feel like expressing myself is going to be one of the hardest things I try to do. I spent so much of my life trying to fit in, making and putting on different masks every day, I want to try and at least take off that mask, even if it is just for a day. I just want to feel confident in myself. 

Trying to express yourself can be difficult, but I think we can all do it. If you made it this far, I want to challenge you to also do the same! This year let’s grow our confidence and feel comfortable in our own skin! Let’s break this mask together, little by little we can do it. The only one stopping us, is ourselves after all.