I Love You Most



Elissa Gold, Grade 10

“Wait where are you going? I was talking to you. I swear you always do this, walk out when we’re not done talking. I just don’t understand why you are so upset. You’re being so dramatic, and for what? I just don’t understand.” 

You never understand though, how could you? I’ve never said anything, I don’t want to hurt you. 

“Ugh, you’re so selfish! You used to tell me things but what the hell happened?! Just say something dammit!” 

You continue to lash out on me but to be honest it all kind of blurred into white noise. You asked me if I was going to say anything, if I wasn’t, you were going to leave. I stayed silent but right as you turned your back I asked, “What would you like me to say?” 

You looked at me with such contempt and anger I wondered if you still loved me. 

“I tried talking but nothing ever changed! It was as if you just heard and looked the other way. I admit that I have stopped communicating with you and you’re right I don’t tell you anything but I don’t think you’d be able to handle it if I told you the truth.” 

“Are you aware of anything that I have been through these past few months? Probably not. Let me ask you something, and I don’t want you to answer me but just think about it, please. Where were you when I cried hopelessly every single night because of the terror caused by my own damn mind? Where were you when I woke up hyperventilating because of the panic that constantly reigns over me? Where were you when my hands were trembling so badly that I couldn’t even pick up a damn fork to eat? Where were you, when I needed you? Because dammit I needed you. I needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay. You were supposed to be the person that’s ALWAYS, ALWAYS supposed to be there, but you weren’t. I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t want to live anymore. I have never felt so alone in my life. And you constantly reminded me of how broken I actually was. But I did get up every day with a smile plastered on my face because I had to. I had no choice but to put all my fears and doubts aside and just keep going. I wanted you so badly to see past the mirage I put on everyday, I wanted you to just ask once if I was okay. You never did though. All you could see was the failures that I am well aware of. I was scared and I felt like I was a fish trying to swim on land. So when you walk in here and talk to me like you are entitled to my answers, like you deserve to know and be here in my life, let me tell you, you have lost that privilege. You lost it when you decided to not be there. Dammit, I really wanted you to be there. But just like you always say, that’s just life.” 

I walked out of the house with tears running down my face. I didn’t see the car coming as I was crossing the street, but then I was suddenly on the ground. I heard you yell “No!” and heard your footsteps running toward me. I felt you try to find my pulse. You then grabbed my hand and clung to it. You yelled at the driver to call 9-1-1, but to be honest I didn’t have it in me to fight anymore. You tried to get me to open my eyes, but my eyelids felt so heavy. I’ve been tired for such a long time and I felt so light, it was really nice. I heard you whisper under your breath, 

“Please God, please let her live. She doesn’t deserve this. I love you so much, I’m so sorry.” 

I replied quietly back, “I love you most.” Then I let myself go into the most peaceful sleep I’ve ever felt.